100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: Archimedes' Revenge
by Shenandoah76209
Summary: Give me a lever and a place to stand and I can move the world. But don't try to push a two hundred pound desk up four flights of stairs.


Rules:

1\. Sheldon/Penny – They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.

2\. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9

3\. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.

4\. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.

5\. Deadline is October 31, 2015.

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 **100 Ways To Kill a Doctor: Archimedes' Revenge**

Sheldon shook his head. "Honestly, you'd think he'd have learned from our experience with the Ikea entertainment center. Intellectual descendent of Archimedes my behind."

Raj and Howard stared at him and Penny over the unwieldy box currently pinning Leonard's body to the wall while Sheldon continued to speak. "It's not as if he didn't have help with the entertainment center. It took two of us and all of Leonard's meager intellectual calculation to get that box up four flights. How did he think he was going to move a desk made of wood and steel?"

Penny pointed at the pole which had served as a disturbing type of spear, further pinning Leonard to the brick. "I think he had a lever honey." She looked paler than normal but hadn't lost her lunch. Raj and Howard's stomach's were maintaining the status quo but for how long was definitely in question. "Isn't the saying 'Gimme a lever and a place to stand and I can move the world'?"

"Allowing for the translation from Greek to English and your atrocious enunciation, yes, that is the quote Penny." Sheldon offered her a half smile. "Well done."

Her grin was pleased. "Thanks Moon-pie."

"Penny, nobody but my Meemaw—"

"Calls you Moon-pie. So I've heard, ad infinitum," Penny continued and shook her head, taking out her phone. "Well I'm calling nine one one. God only knows how long he's been here."

"I must say, I'm quite upset by this," Sheldon frowned at his most likely deceased roommate. When Raj and Howard stared at him in shock at the expression of sentiment the physicist rolled his eyes. "Not by Leonard's death. That, while disturbing, is something I've expected since he first began his experiments with lasers. Leonard never did pay much attention to math and with Winkle in the mix I assumed he'd fire a laser through his brain one of these days while attempting to secure coitus."

Howard shook his head, "So what do you find upsetting about this then?"

"In his seemingly infinite inconsideration Leonard has contrived to block the entire stairwell and thus prevented any ingress or egress from the second floor upwards." Sheldon sighed in irritation. "Additionally you two are not able to pass, thus putting paid to any progress towards Halo night."

Penny patted his shoulder as the operator put her on hold. "I'll play Halo with you honey. And if you get stuck on your string thingies and need to engage your collilucus you can clean my apartment if you want."

Sheldon offered her another half smile. "Colliculus. Thank you Penny. I appreciate the offer though my work has been going well since Amy Farrah Fowler and I parted ways."

"You never told me why you broke up with her," Howard commented.

"Penny informed me that Amy was licking my belongings and rubbing them in unseemly places in order to spread her scent and manipulate me into deepening the intimacy in our relationship." Sheldon shuddered violently at the thought. "I've nearly run out of my biohazard cleaning solution. If Penny hadn't given me the jug I gave her as a belated housewarming gift I'd have been in dire straits."

"I haven't seen Amy since she showed up at work and told me that I'd betrayed her and I should expect the consequences to reflect as such." Penny commented as she got off the phone finally. "EMTs and cops should be here in a bit." She looked at Howard and Raj, "Would you guys mind going and getting the order of Chinese? There's no reason you have to be here when the authorities show up to deal with this."

Howard and Raj took that excuse to remove themselves with an alacrity that would have been disturbing if not for their increasingly green faces.

* * *

By the time the guys returned with Chinese the coroner's office was wheeling two gurney's out of the building. Howard looked at Raj worriedly. "You don't think Penny went nuts and killed Sheldon do you?"

"No," Raj shook his head. "They've been getting along so much better since Penny kicked Leonard to the curb. I can't believe he was stupid enough to show that video to everyone on the ship. After he'd already cheated on her with one of the other scientists. Didn't he think about the fact that the woman was drunk, immediately remorseful, and that her husband would want revenge?"

"Leonard never thought further than not getting caught in his zipper on the way out of the room," Howard shook his head. "I couldn't believe Penny let him talk her into the beta test to begin with."

"She was at a low point. He took advantage. It's what Leonard does." Raj shrugged.

"True that," Howard agreed as they mounted the stairs.

With the large box out of the way and no crime scene tape, they were able to proceed (carefully) up to the apartment. Penny and Sheldon were giving an officer some coffee and explaining something.

"Well thanks for the information, and please stay in town so if we have any other questions we'll know where to find you," The uniformed officer nodded at the two men as they entered the apartment and shut the door behind him as he exited.

"Why were there two bodies?" Raj blurted the question out.

"Apparently Amy was underneath the box." Penny sat down in her spot. "We don't know if she distracted Leonard or if he'd just bitten off more than he could chew trying to get the box up the stairs himself. The cops said that if the cardboard hadn't absorbed a lot of the blood that it would have been a lot messier."

"Eewww…" Howard wrinkled his nose.

"Yeah," Penny shook her head. "On the bright side, Sheldon and I won't have to deal with either one of them anymore."

"On the contrary. Amy Farrah Fowler named me the executor of her will." Sheldon sighed. "I doubt my good fortune extends to her amending it before her demise."

His friends made sympathetic faces and Penny patted his knee but each expressed the opinion that the situation could have been much worse.

"Someone could be accusing you of pushing the box onto Leonard and Amy." Howard laughed.

He didn't see the look Penny and Sheldon exchanged before Penny laughed and said breezily, "Yeah, because we'd have a way of knowing when Leonard was going to get a huge box and try to bring it up the stairs himself. He was supposed to be smart. Why would he do that?"

Sheldon frowned, "He always did believe his capabilities exceeded the reality of his talents." He shrugged and applied himself to his food.

"Yeah, that applied to a lot of things with Leonard," Penny muttered darkly.

Raj handed her the mustard for Sheldon who exclaimed happily and decided that he would ignore that look the two of them had exchanged. Or the likelihood of Leonard sharing his receipt of a large box and when. After all, there was no proof, and between Penny and Sheldon, and their disturbing combination of abilities and excellent teamwork, there never would be.

* * *

 _Author's Note: This came to me when I was reading the script of the Big Bran Hypothesis. As usual, all trollish flame reviewers are thanked for driving up my page views._


End file.
